A Silly Tirade Too Long For The Twitter

Will someone please tell me the exact event 5 years ago that led to disposable head razors TRIPLING in price; cus, I just cant remember a specific cause, yet the result is clear. Is it possible that disposable head razor manufacturers only just realized that Americans will pay damn near any price for the ability to shave stubble? Is it that The Man wants us to choose between being poor or being hirsute?

Well, I say Fuck You Disposable Head Razor Manufacturers! I will no longer be a slave to your cutting ways! (In a world where 'never' means 'probably never, but check with me again in a few days') As of today I will never again shave! 

So, There! Take That.

-- Oh gawd. What have I done?

A List of Things My Cat Will No Longer Be Able To Pee On: In No Discernable Order

 

• A pile of dirty towels on the floor
• A single towel on the floor
• A dish rag that accidentally fell on the floor
• OK, lets just go with terry cloth item(s) on the floor. Fuckin Cat
• The floor, two inches in front of the litter box
• the door leading out to the litter box in the sun room.  It was apparently too hot/cold to go out there and pee. Fuckin Cat
• The cat scratcher. The corrugated cardboard cat scratcher. Fuckin Cat
• Lastnights jammies, next to the bed on the floor.
• OK, fuck it. Cotton things On The Floor. That Fuckin Cat
• The pillow she was laying on. Cus apparently it was just too comfortable to get up and go somewhere else to pee.
• The box that *insert expensive product name here* came in and that we might need to return
• The new roommates leather backpack. Oh yah. That really happened.
• Anything available in your line of sight, that offers her the opportunity to look at you with extreme malice while she pees. Because she is angry. And she needs you to know it. Just to be a bitch.

Penny was an awesome cat - in that her bladder was easily human sized. That God Damned Cat.

Pico Rivera to Phoenix

On Saturday we started our drive to Houston. We spent considerable time learning our new radio, the Satellite Radio system and Maggie (Magellan RoadMate). They are all pretty awesome, but Maggie is Fantastic!! And, our radio has a remote control. Which is super freaking awesome and I love it!

Anyway. We drove due East on I-10 and we were gonna pretty much stay on it For Freaking EVER! It would take us all the way to Houston, which is easy at least!

We were driving uphill in the desert and on the left side of the freeway we saw …. Dinosaurs. Freaking Huge 25 foot tall Effing Dinosaurs! And a sign that read “Robotic Dinosaur Exhibit”. How can a girl pass that kind of awesome?!? She cant! She NEEDS To Stop!! So, we stopped.

Holy. Crap! That place was crazy! They had exactly ONE Robotic dinosaur. But Whatever. I can live with ONLY one robotic dinosaur. I mean, they have lots of other dinosaurs .. its cool. As we are walking around the outdoor exhibit, in the desert, during a wind storm, at 3600 elevation we saw a mannequin like thingy of a crusader … in the middle of a dinosaur exhibit … ok. Sure, fine, whatever. We keep walking around and checking out the exhibit. The dinosaurs start getting smaller. From Large building sized, monstrosities to small family dog sized annoyances. Also, very strange. But this IS a road-side attraction. A Tourist Trap. They don’t usually have a ton of money. I can see how part-way through the exhibit they began to run out of money and just started to make the dinos smaller, sure. Then. The Best. Thing. Evar! A LARGE Crocodile hanging out with a plastic lion and plastic lamb. Freaking Hilarious!

They had this big cement turtle jungle jim thingy, which was also very strange and confusing. We climbed up inside the large T-Rex, got schooled on Creationism and took pictures of outside from the mouth, which is just cool since there are big teeth in the shots.

Finally we left the Land of the Lost and got back on the road. More uphill. Many more hours. And made it to Phoenix, Arizona. Part of our plan to save money was to sleep in the back of our 4Runner. Neither of us had really done this before and didn’t know how it would turn out. We didn’t know if we would be able to find campgrounds or bathrooms or anything, but figured we couldn’t really afford $50 every night.

We found a KOA in Mesa, which is a little off the I-10, but not far. We set up the back of the 4Runner with WAY too many blankets for the 65 degree weather, found the bathrooms, discovered that we could have showers in the morning – WOOT! – and bunkered down for the night.

It. Was. AWESOME! We were warm, safe, slept like the dead, had access to bathrooms, were surrounded by lots of really nice people and paid Less Than $30 a Night!

It was way awesome. We had a great day, a great night and the trip so far is just plain fun!

Miles today – 390. Total Miles Driven – 790. Miles To Go – 1,150

Kitties Big Adventure To Grandma's House and Other Stories...

Warning – this post is almost entirely about our cats. Sorry – but, it was bound to happen eventually.

Friday we started our trip. Our Big-Ass Trip to just about everywhere in the Universe. Well, sorta everywhere.  The first leg of our trip was from our place in Northern California to Pico Rivera in Southern California. We drove WITH our two cats. They are gonna stay in SoCal with their Grandma while we are away. We weighed LOTS of options and nothing really seemed awesome. The BEST idea we could come up with was traveling with them and staying at Motel 6 along the way so that we could bring them into the room with us. But THAT was a suckie option. Then Danielle’s mom offered to keep them for us. Freaking WOOT!

In preparation to drive the poor kits to LA, we found nifty homeopathic drops that we have started calling Kitty Calm. We also bought catnip tincture. Both cats LOVED the Kitty Calm .. The catnip tincture? Heh, not so much. If you plan on traveling with pets, You NEED To Get This Stuff! Wow!

But, even with the Kitty Calm, the kits were still freaked and cried pretty constantly for the first 20 or 30 minutes, then sporadically for another 30 minutes.  After that, they were mostly ok unless we looked at them or said their names, or stopped the car, and then they would start crying again. And poor Baby Kitty was the worst. She was so pathetic and confused.

Did I mention that Danielle’s mom has a cat? No. No, I didn’t. Well, she does. A freaking insane 13 +/- year old calico. And by “freaking insane” I mean mildly psychotic.

We made really great time to Pico. We unloaded the kitties and like a cracked out dumb-ass, I let both Penny and baby Kitty out of their carriers into the house with the psychalico. No preamble. No introduction. No, I didn’t let them loose in a back bedroom so that they could sniff each other under the door. I just let the kits loose.

Take a wild guess as to how THAT brainfart smelled … go ahead.

Yah.

So, Penny, my 19 year old, deaf, toothless, clawless kitty was cornered by Psychalico. They were under the table and Penny couldn’t get away. I climbed under the table to try and grab Penny. Psychalico was determined to destroy the Interloper-Formerly-Known-As-Penny. She didn’t even see me under the table. I had to swat at her a few times just to get her attention. Once I had it, I wasn’t so sure I wanted it. She looked at me, squared up to me and was fully prepared to take me on.

“Oh Shit”, I thought.

So, I swatted at her a few more times. She didn’t like that much then backed off enough for me to get Penny.

The night ended with us locking Psychalico in the front bedroom with a litter box, food and water.  Penny and Baby Kitty roamed the house and sniffed everything and found all the good hiding places. You see, Penny and Baby Kitty are tiny, skinny kitties and Psychalico is a very VERY fat cat. Portly. Obese. Rotund. Rubenesque. Only, you know, a cat. So Penny and Baby Kitty would be able to get into tiny hidie-holes the Psychalico would NEVER be able get into, just in case Psychalico attacked again. 

Miles Driven - 400. Miles to go - 1,500

The Story Untold ... So Far

I have a story in my head.  A HUGE effing story! If I put the whole thing out there, I think it would be a book, a large-ish book, even. 

I have written pages and pages of character bios and outlines. I know the world, the society, what will happen and why. I even have a whole entire folder on Lappy for the chapters.

Problem is, I havent written the first word of chapter 1. I am absolutely paralyzed with fear.

• I am afraid that I have no idea what I'm doing - and I dont. I have read a lot of books, but written VERY little. 
• I am worried that the story will become unweildy and get away from me
• I am afraid that what I want to write will just not work
• I am afraid that I will change my mind on exactly what I want to write and how I want to present it and have to gut the whole thing - rewrite a bunch of shit
• I am afraid that it will be embarrassingly lame and suckie

So?  I do nothing.  I set up everything in early October.  Havent done a single thing with it since.  I have no excuse.  It isnt like I am busy.

What the hell do I do now?  Shit.

Chocolate Covered Vengeance, Anyone?

Sometimes my period floats in on fairy wings and it takes several days for it to really announce itself. Other times it beats down the front door with a loud chocolate coated vengeance. Guess which one hit me this month. Go ahead, guess.

‘The Reader’: Emotional Masturbation or Just General Douchebaggery?

Let me preface this opinion with the fact that I have not read the book, but only watched the film. The book could be better, so this is simply my feelings on the movie. Also, if you are interested in seeing The Reader, and haven’t yet, you may not want to read any further as I will TOTALLY give away the ending. And Darth Vader is Luke’s Father. Deal with it.

Danielle and I rented (or rather Netflix’ed? Netflixt?) ‘The Reader’. What a bunch of crap. Really.

Ok, ok, so the first half of the movie features Kate Winslet in varying levels of undress, which I TOTALLY appreciate – even if they spent a lot of time making her look anemic, downtrodden and 15 years older than she really is, I really appreciate nudity. Thank you Hollywood!

I think I rather liked Kate’s character Hanna. She was complex and flawed and desperately lonely. Spot on Kate! I think my gripes are all on Michael, the character portrayed by both Ralph Fiennes & David Kross. That effing asshole. Really.

It is mostly ok for this Michael guy to be a douche bag at age 19. That I accept. We were all assholes at 19. So while I accept it, that doesn’t mean it’s ok or understandable. So when he has BIG information that could exonerate Hannah from many of the charges she is facing in the Nazi trial thingy, (charges for which she could have been shot) he FULLY chicken Shits out. Fucking Man Up! I Mean … WTF?!? Why couldn’t he see her? Why did he turn back? What a fucking pussy! Why couldn’t he at the VERY least go to her representative (I say ‘representative’ because I can hardly call that man her ‘defense attorney’. Yet another douche bag) Michael could have told the attorney that she was illiterate. Doing so would have proved that she couldn’t have been the one who wrote the report. It was so obvious that the other women were blaming Hannah for the terrible acts they all perpetrated. Hannah admitted what she did while the others denied the acts. She also told the court they had all taken part in the actions; the other women were pist and wanted to get back at her and take more blame off of themselves.

She did admit to having written the report and I don’t really understand why she did this. Maybe she wanted to be punished. Maybe she knew that no one was really interested in finding the truth. I don’t know. But she may have changed her mind if she knew that someone cared, or that someone would stand up for her. Fucking asshole.

So, while the other women get less than 5 years for their participation in Nazi affairs, Hannah receives 20. Fucking awesome.

So now Michael is all growed up at like age 30. He starts reading books into a recorder and sending them to Hannah anonymously. She LOVES it, of course and eventually teaches herself to read and write with the help of the tapes. Eventually she starts sending him letters. He keeps the letters but never writes back to her. WHY?!? For the love of all that is good, WHY? Why won’t he write to her? He spends YEARS making effing tapes for her, but can’t spend 15 minutes to write her a letter? A quick note even? Give her comfort, anything?!? Asshole!

Before Hannah is released from prison, Michael works (under more that a little duress) to find her an apartment and a job. Well, that is very nice, in an, “I feel guilty for being such an asshat”, kind of way. BUT when he does FINALLY see her in prison, he doesn’t want to touch her. Like she has cooties! Her reluctantly touches her hand, but pulls away quickly, kinda oogied out. When leaving, she wanted to embrace him – probably the first embrace she would have had in 25 years! And he just could bring himself to do it. Asshole.

So THEN, big shocker, she fucking kills herself. Gee. I wonder why? Maybe because she is afraid, and alone, and the only connection she has made in the last 30 years is to this … this -- well fuck! I am out or derogatory names and am just repeating myself at this point – asshole.

Oh But Wait! There is More Douchebaggery To Come!

The God Damned Cake Topper!!!

Then this man-child FINALLY figures out that he has cut himself off to everyone his whole effed up, bull shit life and he wants to start a new and real relationship with his daughter. And how does Mr. Asshole set out on this new venture? By dragging her way the fuck out to the middle of no where, to show her Hannah’s grave – that he apparently got for her; which is an awesome bit of posthumous affection. A little late!! She’s DEAD! – and begins to tell his daughter the entire story of his love for the woman who showed him the pleasures of sex.

1) You didn’t love her you shit
2) Why would you tell your effing daughter about the woman who schooled you on the arts of love making … EWW!

I hated the movie. Or rather, I hated Michael. Hannah was tragic and well portrayed.

Fucking Asshole!! Gawd!