Belly Bugs – Cus it sounds cuter than Intestinal Parasites

When I was 10, I got a dog from the pound. Her name was Little Bits and she was a puppy, only 8 weeks old. On the way home from the pound she vomited aaalllllll over the car. Vomit looked like Spaghetti-o’s. It was SO gross!! Poor, poor thing. We dewormed her, but it never occurred to us that we could contract the parasites ourselves.

That winter, I got really, really, really sick. I was sick for three solid weeks, strep throat, plus god only knows what else, I had a fever for many days that eventually topped out at 105.3, causing hallucination and inducing my mother to give me ice baths. It was wretched. I have never been so sick in my whole life!

That spring, I also had an outbreak of psoriasis and have been fighting it ever since. Now, having all three of these issues in a row has me thinking that maybe it wasn’t just a really bad year, but a sequence of linked events. Parasites invaded, started breaking down my immune system, leaving me vulnerable to strep + which stressed my system to the point where it was attacking itself and thus psoriasis.

I have spent the last two plus years fighting “The Invasion”. Don’t look at me like that. There is nothing weird or gross about me because I have Belly Bugs. Do you eat medium rare, rare or raw meat? Do you eat sushi? Pork of any flavor? Do you own a dog or a cat? Have you ever eaten meat or ever owned a dog or a cat? If you haven’t, then lucky you. If you have, then you have an 80% (+/-) chance of also having little travelers. Either way, don’t judge me.

So, I have gone through several different Parasite Cleanses:

1) My first attempt was with Renew Para Gone is an easy 30 day capsule based program that is mostly inexpensive but rather ineffective. Para Gone is a great system if you are looking for an annual program and feel pretty certain that you have a very low load. Otherwise, save your $25 - $35.
2) Next, I tried the Dr. Hulda Clark Parasite Cleanse. Several times. This cleanse REALLY works. Hard core kinda works. And the items are mostly easy to find and inexpensive. Bad news is that is a little complicated and making clove capsules is a pain in the ass AND Black Walnut Hull Tincture tastes like ass only worse. But it really works and you know it is working.
3) Then, because I couldn’t handle the thought of doing another round of the Hulda Clark system, I tried Zymex II. It is reasonable in price and is an easy process. But, it may or may not work. Im not sure. There was no proof – which is really annoying.

Just a few weeks ago I went to Dr. Kang in San Francisco for several issues including the psoriasis and my immune system. He is an herbalist and he made me several teas that I am currently taking twice daily – and let me just say: who knew that roots and tree bark could taste like dog ass. Who. Knew.

I told Dr. Kang that I had an ongoing Belly Bug fight and I thought that I was mostly winning but didn’t really know what to do at this point. You wanna know what he suggested? Take a guess. A wild guess!

Raw. Pumpkin. Seeds.

Yah. That’s it. Eat raw pumpkin seeds. It makes the bugs sleepy, they dislodge and get flushed.

I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars, 2+ years and drank some NASTY fucking tinctures. And all this time, I could have just been eating pumpkin seeds.

You are SO welcome! Really. Meh.

I had The Scariest Effing Dream!

I Mean, I haven’t had a nightmare like this in years!


Talking to some woman I apparently knew about some mundane bullshit, when she blurts, “Oh! And Josina called and said that she will be here for you.”

“Be here for me for what?” I ask.

“You know. When “it” happens”

“When what happens?”

“The thing that happened to her; Someone was there for her, now she will be here for you”

I apparently understood this to mean that something terrible was going to happen to Danielle and everyone knew about it and I somehow did not get the memo. I FREAK and run from the room to find Danielle and make sure she is ok. I find her and all is well. We are talking about our usual stupid shit, sorta Chip n’ Dale style, “No you are awesome!” “No, no really! YOU are so much more awesome!” “Oh no I insist! You are really amazing and awesome!” When, without skipping a beat, Dani climbs up on a desk and moves into a quasi Childs’ Pose (yoga) and sorta dissolves/disappears before my eyes!

I.

Loose.

My.

Shit.

I run around, screaming her name looking everywhere, realize that I cant find her or our cats!

Enter: Jackie Lee – an Evil, Soulless woman I used to work with. She made nails on a chalkboard seem like a spa treatment. I didn’t “hate” her, but she seriously made me stabby.

Jackie Lee comes in and starts looking through my stuff in my purse and accusing me of ‘doing-in’ Danielle. I start loosing my shit again and attack Jackie.

-- Let me just point out how TOTALLY stupid and hilarious the idea of me “attacking” Jackie Lee really is. To borrow from popular cartoons: Jackie Lee is a double? triple? Black Belt in some asian martial art, but I don’t know which one, basically the one that would kick my ass – she would be like Hong Kong Phooey; Where as I am much more like the hippo in the tutu from Fantasia. So, you can see, it really is kinda ridiculous.

So, Danielle is gone and I am being harangued by this harpy of a woman, accused of being responsible for the doing-in bits on the woman I dearly love, my cats are gone, I have attacked this woman who will soundly hand me my ass and I suddenly realize, “Hey! This is a Dream! I just need to wake up! Wake Up!” It isn’t working. I am running through these hallways which are beginning to look more and more institutional – like One Flew Over the Haunted Cuckoo’s Nest sort of “institutional” and I am screaming, “Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up” to no avail. And realize that they aren’t going to put me in prison, but in this creepy Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors hospital, only without the killer Dokken soundtrack or Laurence Fishburne to keep me safe.

So more running and freaking and running and freaking, I FINALLY wake up, only before my eyes are completely open I am yelling for Danielle; like I am a 5 year old screaming in the middle of the night for mommy. Luckily Danielle is here and able to calm me down. Because at 36 years of age I needed calming down.

Oh and this didn’t happen at 3 o’clock in the morning, but at 9:30 am when it is all bright and cheery.

Issues? Grrl, I got subscriptions!