Sometimes my period floats in on fairy wings and it takes several days for it to really announce itself. Other times it beats down the front door with a loud chocolate coated vengeance. Guess which one hit me this month. Go ahead, guess.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
‘The Reader’: Emotional Masturbation or Just General Douchebaggery?
Let me preface this opinion with the fact that I have not read the book, but only watched the film. The book could be better, so this is simply my feelings on the movie. Also, if you are interested in seeing The Reader, and haven’t yet, you may not want to read any further as I will TOTALLY give away the ending. And Darth Vader is Luke’s Father. Deal with it.
Danielle and I rented (or rather Netflix’ed? Netflixt?) ‘The Reader’. What a bunch of crap. Really.
Ok, ok, so the first half of the movie features Kate Winslet in varying levels of undress, which I TOTALLY appreciate – even if they spent a lot of time making her look anemic, downtrodden and 15 years older than she really is, I really appreciate nudity. Thank you Hollywood!
I think I rather liked Kate’s character Hanna. She was complex and flawed and desperately lonely. Spot on Kate! I think my gripes are all on Michael, the character portrayed by both Ralph Fiennes & David Kross. That effing asshole. Really.
It is mostly ok for this Michael guy to be a douche bag at age 19. That I accept. We were all assholes at 19. So while I accept it, that doesn’t mean it’s ok or understandable. So when he has BIG information that could exonerate Hannah from many of the charges she is facing in the Nazi trial thingy, (charges for which she could have been shot) he FULLY chicken Shits out. Fucking Man Up! I Mean … WTF?!? Why couldn’t he see her? Why did he turn back? What a fucking pussy! Why couldn’t he at the VERY least go to her representative (I say ‘representative’ because I can hardly call that man her ‘defense attorney’. Yet another douche bag) Michael could have told the attorney that she was illiterate. Doing so would have proved that she couldn’t have been the one who wrote the report. It was so obvious that the other women were blaming Hannah for the terrible acts they all perpetrated. Hannah admitted what she did while the others denied the acts. She also told the court they had all taken part in the actions; the other women were pist and wanted to get back at her and take more blame off of themselves.
She did admit to having written the report and I don’t really understand why she did this. Maybe she wanted to be punished. Maybe she knew that no one was really interested in finding the truth. I don’t know. But she may have changed her mind if she knew that someone cared, or that someone would stand up for her. Fucking asshole.
So, while the other women get less than 5 years for their participation in Nazi affairs, Hannah receives 20. Fucking awesome.
So now Michael is all growed up at like age 30. He starts reading books into a recorder and sending them to Hannah anonymously. She LOVES it, of course and eventually teaches herself to read and write with the help of the tapes. Eventually she starts sending him letters. He keeps the letters but never writes back to her. WHY?!? For the love of all that is good, WHY? Why won’t he write to her? He spends YEARS making effing tapes for her, but can’t spend 15 minutes to write her a letter? A quick note even? Give her comfort, anything?!? Asshole!
Before Hannah is released from prison, Michael works (under more that a little duress) to find her an apartment and a job. Well, that is very nice, in an, “I feel guilty for being such an asshat”, kind of way. BUT when he does FINALLY see her in prison, he doesn’t want to touch her. Like she has cooties! Her reluctantly touches her hand, but pulls away quickly, kinda oogied out. When leaving, she wanted to embrace him – probably the first embrace she would have had in 25 years! And he just could bring himself to do it. Asshole.
So THEN, big shocker, she fucking kills herself. Gee. I wonder why? Maybe because she is afraid, and alone, and the only connection she has made in the last 30 years is to this … this -- well fuck! I am out or derogatory names and am just repeating myself at this point – asshole.
Oh But Wait! There is More Douchebaggery To Come!
The God Damned Cake Topper!!!
Then this man-child FINALLY figures out that he has cut himself off to everyone his whole effed up, bull shit life and he wants to start a new and real relationship with his daughter. And how does Mr. Asshole set out on this new venture? By dragging her way the fuck out to the middle of no where, to show her Hannah’s grave – that he apparently got for her; which is an awesome bit of posthumous affection. A little late!! She’s DEAD! – and begins to tell his daughter the entire story of his love for the woman who showed him the pleasures of sex.
1) You didn’t love her you shit
2) Why would you tell your effing daughter about the woman who schooled you on the arts of love making … EWW!
I hated the movie. Or rather, I hated Michael. Hannah was tragic and well portrayed.
Fucking Asshole!! Gawd!
Danielle and I rented (or rather Netflix’ed? Netflixt?) ‘The Reader’. What a bunch of crap. Really.
Ok, ok, so the first half of the movie features Kate Winslet in varying levels of undress, which I TOTALLY appreciate – even if they spent a lot of time making her look anemic, downtrodden and 15 years older than she really is, I really appreciate nudity. Thank you Hollywood!
I think I rather liked Kate’s character Hanna. She was complex and flawed and desperately lonely. Spot on Kate! I think my gripes are all on Michael, the character portrayed by both Ralph Fiennes & David Kross. That effing asshole. Really.
It is mostly ok for this Michael guy to be a douche bag at age 19. That I accept. We were all assholes at 19. So while I accept it, that doesn’t mean it’s ok or understandable. So when he has BIG information that could exonerate Hannah from many of the charges she is facing in the Nazi trial thingy, (charges for which she could have been shot) he FULLY chicken Shits out. Fucking Man Up! I Mean … WTF?!? Why couldn’t he see her? Why did he turn back? What a fucking pussy! Why couldn’t he at the VERY least go to her representative (I say ‘representative’ because I can hardly call that man her ‘defense attorney’. Yet another douche bag) Michael could have told the attorney that she was illiterate. Doing so would have proved that she couldn’t have been the one who wrote the report. It was so obvious that the other women were blaming Hannah for the terrible acts they all perpetrated. Hannah admitted what she did while the others denied the acts. She also told the court they had all taken part in the actions; the other women were pist and wanted to get back at her and take more blame off of themselves.
She did admit to having written the report and I don’t really understand why she did this. Maybe she wanted to be punished. Maybe she knew that no one was really interested in finding the truth. I don’t know. But she may have changed her mind if she knew that someone cared, or that someone would stand up for her. Fucking asshole.
So, while the other women get less than 5 years for their participation in Nazi affairs, Hannah receives 20. Fucking awesome.
So now Michael is all growed up at like age 30. He starts reading books into a recorder and sending them to Hannah anonymously. She LOVES it, of course and eventually teaches herself to read and write with the help of the tapes. Eventually she starts sending him letters. He keeps the letters but never writes back to her. WHY?!? For the love of all that is good, WHY? Why won’t he write to her? He spends YEARS making effing tapes for her, but can’t spend 15 minutes to write her a letter? A quick note even? Give her comfort, anything?!? Asshole!
Before Hannah is released from prison, Michael works (under more that a little duress) to find her an apartment and a job. Well, that is very nice, in an, “I feel guilty for being such an asshat”, kind of way. BUT when he does FINALLY see her in prison, he doesn’t want to touch her. Like she has cooties! Her reluctantly touches her hand, but pulls away quickly, kinda oogied out. When leaving, she wanted to embrace him – probably the first embrace she would have had in 25 years! And he just could bring himself to do it. Asshole.
So THEN, big shocker, she fucking kills herself. Gee. I wonder why? Maybe because she is afraid, and alone, and the only connection she has made in the last 30 years is to this … this -- well fuck! I am out or derogatory names and am just repeating myself at this point – asshole.
Oh But Wait! There is More Douchebaggery To Come!
The God Damned Cake Topper!!!
Then this man-child FINALLY figures out that he has cut himself off to everyone his whole effed up, bull shit life and he wants to start a new and real relationship with his daughter. And how does Mr. Asshole set out on this new venture? By dragging her way the fuck out to the middle of no where, to show her Hannah’s grave – that he apparently got for her; which is an awesome bit of posthumous affection. A little late!! She’s DEAD! – and begins to tell his daughter the entire story of his love for the woman who showed him the pleasures of sex.
1) You didn’t love her you shit
2) Why would you tell your effing daughter about the woman who schooled you on the arts of love making … EWW!
I hated the movie. Or rather, I hated Michael. Hannah was tragic and well portrayed.
Fucking Asshole!! Gawd!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Stoopid Shit I Learned from 'Fringe'
Did you realize that an ostrich egg is a single celled organism? I mean, it seems kinda obvious when you stop to think about it AND yet, at the same time it is a bit “No-Effing-Way”.
Seriously! An Ostrich egg is 3 pounds of ONE CELL (and nutrition for the cell, and protective covering for the cell, but you get the point). It really fucked my mind. It still does a little bit. I think of a single celled organism as an amoeba, or a virus. But when I think of single celled eggs, I think human eggs, or chicken eggs … but even a chicken egg is a little “Woah”.
It just tweaked my brain a little. Thought I would share.
You’re Welcome.
Seriously! An Ostrich egg is 3 pounds of ONE CELL (and nutrition for the cell, and protective covering for the cell, but you get the point). It really fucked my mind. It still does a little bit. I think of a single celled organism as an amoeba, or a virus. But when I think of single celled eggs, I think human eggs, or chicken eggs … but even a chicken egg is a little “Woah”.
It just tweaked my brain a little. Thought I would share.
You’re Welcome.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Belly Bugs – Cus it sounds cuter than Intestinal Parasites
When I was 10, I got a dog from the pound. Her name was Little Bits and she was a puppy, only 8 weeks old. On the way home from the pound she vomited aaalllllll over the car. Vomit looked like Spaghetti-o’s. It was SO gross!! Poor, poor thing. We dewormed her, but it never occurred to us that we could contract the parasites ourselves.
That winter, I got really, really, really sick. I was sick for three solid weeks, strep throat, plus god only knows what else, I had a fever for many days that eventually topped out at 105.3, causing hallucination and inducing my mother to give me ice baths. It was wretched. I have never been so sick in my whole life!
That spring, I also had an outbreak of psoriasis and have been fighting it ever since. Now, having all three of these issues in a row has me thinking that maybe it wasn’t just a really bad year, but a sequence of linked events. Parasites invaded, started breaking down my immune system, leaving me vulnerable to strep + which stressed my system to the point where it was attacking itself and thus psoriasis.
I have spent the last two plus years fighting “The Invasion”. Don’t look at me like that. There is nothing weird or gross about me because I have Belly Bugs. Do you eat medium rare, rare or raw meat? Do you eat sushi? Pork of any flavor? Do you own a dog or a cat? Have you ever eaten meat or ever owned a dog or a cat? If you haven’t, then lucky you. If you have, then you have an 80% (+/-) chance of also having little travelers. Either way, don’t judge me.
So, I have gone through several different Parasite Cleanses:
1) My first attempt was with Renew Para Gone is an easy 30 day capsule based program that is mostly inexpensive but rather ineffective. Para Gone is a great system if you are looking for an annual program and feel pretty certain that you have a very low load. Otherwise, save your $25 - $35.
2) Next, I tried the Dr. Hulda Clark Parasite Cleanse. Several times. This cleanse REALLY works. Hard core kinda works. And the items are mostly easy to find and inexpensive. Bad news is that is a little complicated and making clove capsules is a pain in the ass AND Black Walnut Hull Tincture tastes like ass only worse. But it really works and you know it is working.
3) Then, because I couldn’t handle the thought of doing another round of the Hulda Clark system, I tried Zymex II. It is reasonable in price and is an easy process. But, it may or may not work. Im not sure. There was no proof – which is really annoying.
Just a few weeks ago I went to Dr. Kang in San Francisco for several issues including the psoriasis and my immune system. He is an herbalist and he made me several teas that I am currently taking twice daily – and let me just say: who knew that roots and tree bark could taste like dog ass. Who. Knew.
I told Dr. Kang that I had an ongoing Belly Bug fight and I thought that I was mostly winning but didn’t really know what to do at this point. You wanna know what he suggested? Take a guess. A wild guess!
Raw. Pumpkin. Seeds.
Yah. That’s it. Eat raw pumpkin seeds. It makes the bugs sleepy, they dislodge and get flushed.
I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars, 2+ years and drank some NASTY fucking tinctures. And all this time, I could have just been eating pumpkin seeds.
You are SO welcome! Really. Meh.
That winter, I got really, really, really sick. I was sick for three solid weeks, strep throat, plus god only knows what else, I had a fever for many days that eventually topped out at 105.3, causing hallucination and inducing my mother to give me ice baths. It was wretched. I have never been so sick in my whole life!
That spring, I also had an outbreak of psoriasis and have been fighting it ever since. Now, having all three of these issues in a row has me thinking that maybe it wasn’t just a really bad year, but a sequence of linked events. Parasites invaded, started breaking down my immune system, leaving me vulnerable to strep + which stressed my system to the point where it was attacking itself and thus psoriasis.
I have spent the last two plus years fighting “The Invasion”. Don’t look at me like that. There is nothing weird or gross about me because I have Belly Bugs. Do you eat medium rare, rare or raw meat? Do you eat sushi? Pork of any flavor? Do you own a dog or a cat? Have you ever eaten meat or ever owned a dog or a cat? If you haven’t, then lucky you. If you have, then you have an 80% (+/-) chance of also having little travelers. Either way, don’t judge me.
So, I have gone through several different Parasite Cleanses:
1) My first attempt was with Renew Para Gone is an easy 30 day capsule based program that is mostly inexpensive but rather ineffective. Para Gone is a great system if you are looking for an annual program and feel pretty certain that you have a very low load. Otherwise, save your $25 - $35.
2) Next, I tried the Dr. Hulda Clark Parasite Cleanse. Several times. This cleanse REALLY works. Hard core kinda works. And the items are mostly easy to find and inexpensive. Bad news is that is a little complicated and making clove capsules is a pain in the ass AND Black Walnut Hull Tincture tastes like ass only worse. But it really works and you know it is working.
3) Then, because I couldn’t handle the thought of doing another round of the Hulda Clark system, I tried Zymex II. It is reasonable in price and is an easy process. But, it may or may not work. Im not sure. There was no proof – which is really annoying.
Just a few weeks ago I went to Dr. Kang in San Francisco for several issues including the psoriasis and my immune system. He is an herbalist and he made me several teas that I am currently taking twice daily – and let me just say: who knew that roots and tree bark could taste like dog ass. Who. Knew.
I told Dr. Kang that I had an ongoing Belly Bug fight and I thought that I was mostly winning but didn’t really know what to do at this point. You wanna know what he suggested? Take a guess. A wild guess!
Raw. Pumpkin. Seeds.
Yah. That’s it. Eat raw pumpkin seeds. It makes the bugs sleepy, they dislodge and get flushed.
I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars, 2+ years and drank some NASTY fucking tinctures. And all this time, I could have just been eating pumpkin seeds.
You are SO welcome! Really. Meh.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I had The Scariest Effing Dream!
I Mean, I haven’t had a nightmare like this in years!
Talking to some woman I apparently knew about some mundane bullshit, when she blurts, “Oh! And Josina called and said that she will be here for you.”
“Be here for me for what?” I ask.
“You know. When “it” happens”
“When what happens?”
“The thing that happened to her; Someone was there for her, now she will be here for you”
I apparently understood this to mean that something terrible was going to happen to Danielle and everyone knew about it and I somehow did not get the memo. I FREAK and run from the room to find Danielle and make sure she is ok. I find her and all is well. We are talking about our usual stupid shit, sorta Chip n’ Dale style, “No you are awesome!” “No, no really! YOU are so much more awesome!” “Oh no I insist! You are really amazing and awesome!” When, without skipping a beat, Dani climbs up on a desk and moves into a quasi Childs’ Pose (yoga) and sorta dissolves/disappears before my eyes!
I.
Loose.
My.
Shit.
I run around, screaming her name looking everywhere, realize that I cant find her or our cats!
Enter: Jackie Lee – an Evil, Soulless woman I used to work with. She made nails on a chalkboard seem like a spa treatment. I didn’t “hate” her, but she seriously made me stabby.
Jackie Lee comes in and starts looking through my stuff in my purse and accusing me of ‘doing-in’ Danielle. I start loosing my shit again and attack Jackie.
-- Let me just point out how TOTALLY stupid and hilarious the idea of me “attacking” Jackie Lee really is. To borrow from popular cartoons: Jackie Lee is a double? triple? Black Belt in some asian martial art, but I don’t know which one, basically the one that would kick my ass – she would be like Hong Kong Phooey; Where as I am much more like the hippo in the tutu from Fantasia. So, you can see, it really is kinda ridiculous.
So, Danielle is gone and I am being harangued by this harpy of a woman, accused of being responsible for the doing-in bits on the woman I dearly love, my cats are gone, I have attacked this woman who will soundly hand me my ass and I suddenly realize, “Hey! This is a Dream! I just need to wake up! Wake Up!” It isn’t working. I am running through these hallways which are beginning to look more and more institutional – like One Flew Over the Haunted Cuckoo’s Nest sort of “institutional” and I am screaming, “Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up” to no avail. And realize that they aren’t going to put me in prison, but in this creepy Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors hospital, only without the killer Dokken soundtrack or Laurence Fishburne to keep me safe.
So more running and freaking and running and freaking, I FINALLY wake up, only before my eyes are completely open I am yelling for Danielle; like I am a 5 year old screaming in the middle of the night for mommy. Luckily Danielle is here and able to calm me down. Because at 36 years of age I needed calming down.
Oh and this didn’t happen at 3 o’clock in the morning, but at 9:30 am when it is all bright and cheery.
Issues? Grrl, I got subscriptions!
Talking to some woman I apparently knew about some mundane bullshit, when she blurts, “Oh! And Josina called and said that she will be here for you.”
“Be here for me for what?” I ask.
“You know. When “it” happens”
“When what happens?”
“The thing that happened to her; Someone was there for her, now she will be here for you”
I apparently understood this to mean that something terrible was going to happen to Danielle and everyone knew about it and I somehow did not get the memo. I FREAK and run from the room to find Danielle and make sure she is ok. I find her and all is well. We are talking about our usual stupid shit, sorta Chip n’ Dale style, “No you are awesome!” “No, no really! YOU are so much more awesome!” “Oh no I insist! You are really amazing and awesome!” When, without skipping a beat, Dani climbs up on a desk and moves into a quasi Childs’ Pose (yoga) and sorta dissolves/disappears before my eyes!
I.
Loose.
My.
Shit.
I run around, screaming her name looking everywhere, realize that I cant find her or our cats!
Enter: Jackie Lee – an Evil, Soulless woman I used to work with. She made nails on a chalkboard seem like a spa treatment. I didn’t “hate” her, but she seriously made me stabby.
Jackie Lee comes in and starts looking through my stuff in my purse and accusing me of ‘doing-in’ Danielle. I start loosing my shit again and attack Jackie.
-- Let me just point out how TOTALLY stupid and hilarious the idea of me “attacking” Jackie Lee really is. To borrow from popular cartoons: Jackie Lee is a double? triple? Black Belt in some asian martial art, but I don’t know which one, basically the one that would kick my ass – she would be like Hong Kong Phooey; Where as I am much more like the hippo in the tutu from Fantasia. So, you can see, it really is kinda ridiculous.
So, Danielle is gone and I am being harangued by this harpy of a woman, accused of being responsible for the doing-in bits on the woman I dearly love, my cats are gone, I have attacked this woman who will soundly hand me my ass and I suddenly realize, “Hey! This is a Dream! I just need to wake up! Wake Up!” It isn’t working. I am running through these hallways which are beginning to look more and more institutional – like One Flew Over the Haunted Cuckoo’s Nest sort of “institutional” and I am screaming, “Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up” to no avail. And realize that they aren’t going to put me in prison, but in this creepy Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors hospital, only without the killer Dokken soundtrack or Laurence Fishburne to keep me safe.
So more running and freaking and running and freaking, I FINALLY wake up, only before my eyes are completely open I am yelling for Danielle; like I am a 5 year old screaming in the middle of the night for mommy. Luckily Danielle is here and able to calm me down. Because at 36 years of age I needed calming down.
Oh and this didn’t happen at 3 o’clock in the morning, but at 9:30 am when it is all bright and cheery.
Issues? Grrl, I got subscriptions!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Stupid Shit We Talk About when Noone Is Around, #78
Danielle's Official Dark Minion Name has been changed to: She Who Prepares The Way For The One Who Cuddles.
I would, of course be: The One Who Cuddles.
Yes. THIS is what we talk about...
I would, of course be: The One Who Cuddles.
Yes. THIS is what we talk about...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Maybe Baby, Not Maybe, Baby
As you may have heard, D and I are trying to get +1, also known as pregnant. This is our first month trying and we are a week into the process. We have another 5 - 7 days before we will have any idea if things are progressing. In the interim, we have begun calling our possible blastocyst "Maybe Baby". If we are currently +1, today +/- would be the day that uterine wall attachment would begin. I am a TOTAL Tard! I am convinced I can feel a small stitch in my left side indicating that attachment is actually happening. Uh-huh. Sure. Right. Delusional Much? But the imagination is a super powerful thing, ya know.
Also, this week, I was contacted by my ex, Chris. He is an awesome fella, just wasnt the right guy for me, I was also not the right gal for him. He has also met a woman and recently married, and I have D so it all worked out. But Chris was a really great guy, really and truly. And I miss the banter and such that he and I used to have. It in NO WAY compares to the tarded banter of D and I, but still. I Miss Him.
I see Chris occasionally on Yahoo IM and he sent me a message, which is rather rare with the whole strainieness of our communications, but hooray it happened. Thing is, he sent me a one liner while I was off line that simply said, "You are trying to get pregnant?" It seemed like a simple, no strings attached question, but I knew, or rather feared that there was a bibles worth of subtext in the simple question.
You see, he really wanted children, I was SUPER dead-set against it. It was almost a deal-breaker in the early stages of our relationship, I was so against it. He also took the ending of our relationship very hard and it took him a long time to not totally hate me. Then, to hear that I am wanting to and trying to get +1 ... well ... I was worried.
It seems to be that he was just genuinly interested and congratulatory. So, yay. No Internet daggers flying into my eyes. But, it really brings home for me the things I used to want, the things I used to hold dear, and how those priorities have shifted. Drastically.
It is a little crazy. Really.
Also, this week, I was contacted by my ex, Chris. He is an awesome fella, just wasnt the right guy for me, I was also not the right gal for him. He has also met a woman and recently married, and I have D so it all worked out. But Chris was a really great guy, really and truly. And I miss the banter and such that he and I used to have. It in NO WAY compares to the tarded banter of D and I, but still. I Miss Him.
I see Chris occasionally on Yahoo IM and he sent me a message, which is rather rare with the whole strainieness of our communications, but hooray it happened. Thing is, he sent me a one liner while I was off line that simply said, "You are trying to get pregnant?" It seemed like a simple, no strings attached question, but I knew, or rather feared that there was a bibles worth of subtext in the simple question.
You see, he really wanted children, I was SUPER dead-set against it. It was almost a deal-breaker in the early stages of our relationship, I was so against it. He also took the ending of our relationship very hard and it took him a long time to not totally hate me. Then, to hear that I am wanting to and trying to get +1 ... well ... I was worried.
It seems to be that he was just genuinly interested and congratulatory. So, yay. No Internet daggers flying into my eyes. But, it really brings home for me the things I used to want, the things I used to hold dear, and how those priorities have shifted. Drastically.
It is a little crazy. Really.
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